FINAL THOUGHTS
Jackson Maine’s Point of view in his final scene of
A Star is Born (2018)
I love how taking long showers allows me to think about what I need to do or how my life has been and what I should do. I’m glad I was able to make peace with Bobby while he was driving me home from rehab. It was hard for me to say those words, but I feel so much better after telling him that the person I idolized was him rather than dad. He needed to know how I really felt about him and how I appreciated everything he’s done for me.
I need to get my act together. Alcoholism has haunted me since forever. But I love how Ally supports me and gives me strength to fight it. I love how she makes me want to be a better person. And I want to let her know that I can be the person she deserves to be with.
——
Wait? Was that the doorbell? Who could it be at this time? Ally is getting ready for tonight’s performance. And even if it was her, she wouldn’t ring the bell. Let me go out there and check who it is. Let me hurry up and put my clothes on.
—-
Rez? What is he doing here? I don’t understand why he is here since Ally is not even home. Let me make sure he knows that she is not here.
Well, he tells me he arranged with Ally to meet her in the house, so what option do I have other than to let him in?
As he’s sitting in the living room, I’m wondering what to say. I have nothing to talk to him. Let me offer him a drink. Oh, of course I have to take the opportunity to thank him for taking care of Ally while I was gone. It has been a couple of months. Even though I’m not exactly his fan, I need to appreciate the fact that he was there for her. Well, why not talk about the European leg of her tour? I bet he is proud of making that happen so fast. And at least we’ll have something to talk about…
——
How dare him come with this “We’re not exactly friends here?’. I never wanted to be his friend. Who does he think he is to be so daring to come into MY house and tell me these things? I know I messed up and embarrassed Ally, but I’m doing my best to make her proud of me again. I want us to start over with me being the best version of myself this time.
But hey, is it how she really felt about me? Did I really derail her career? Was it so bad? I can barely remember how people reacted. I just remember her love and her caring for me, being there for me, and giving me all the support I needed. Did I really mess up that much? Do I really embarrass her? Is there really going to be that time when I go back to my old habits and make a fool of myself again and put her career and image in that place again? I can’t let that happen.
—-
Now that Rez has planted these ideas in my head, I can’t help but wonder. What have I done? Ally is here lying down on my chest, telling me that the tour has been cancelled. I understand she’s doing that for me. That’s why Rez was so pissed at me. He was angry that Ally preferred to stay here with me and put her career on hold. But is that fair to her? What am I doing?
I ask her “what happened?” just to make sure, and all she says that it’s nothing. She told me that the label wants her to record another album. Why is she lying to me? It’s obvious that it’s not true. Why else would Rez come here and make sure that all those truths were shoved in my face?
I want to cry, but I’ll keep it to myself. I don’t want her to know that I know she is lying.
She asks me to perform with her tonight singing ‘Shallow’. I want to make her proud of me. I do want to do as she wants and make the crowd go crazy by doing the best performance ever. It’s her last show for this part of the tour in the United States. However, I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything in this state of mind I am right now. I have so many doubts. Am I a good person even? How can I cause so much pain to others?
I say yes. What else can I say? I smile and tell her I will meet her there at the show and sing with her. She tells me that she will send a car for me. But I can’t focus on that. I’m already thinking I am a burden and I don’t want anybody to carry me around anymore. I’ve done enough. I am worthless. I can’t do anything right. I’ve disappointed Ally. I’ve disappointed her dad. I’ve disappointed Bobby. No one else should be disappointed by me. I’d better end this sooner than later.
She kisses me and go towards the door. I ask her to turn around so I can take another look at her. She’s so pretty. I’m so lucky for having had her by my side. I smile and pretend to be ok. But I can’t stop thinking about that day when I took one of my dad’s belts and put it around the ceiling fan trying to do the deed. But at that time, the whole fan came out from the ceiling, and the only thing that happened was me getting a big cut on the forehead. My dad didn’t even noticed what I had tried to do because of how drunk he was. The ceiling fan stayed on the floor for about six months. Nobody cared. I can’t be like my father. I refuse to be like that. Enough is enough.
This time will be different. I will make sure it goes right this time.
——-
Charlie, come here. Let me give you this goodbye meal. You deserve to get something good for me. This is the least I can do. You’ve been a good buddy. You’ve kept Ally company. Here, take this big piece of steak.
——
I go to the garage and drive my car out. I need space. Why is it so hard to do this? I’m so scared. There are so many things I could have done. I could have been different. But now it’s too late. There’s not much I can do to change the past. I can change the future though. People deserve for me not to be in their way. They deserve better than me being around.
Let me take a couple of pills now. It’s got to ease the pain. It’s got to make this decision easier. It’s hard to breathe. What am I doing? I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have been a better person. I wish I could change everything I’ve done.
Well, let me do this now. I will close the garage door so that Charlie does not see me. Let me place this belt right this time. Let me breathe deep now. My last breath. And I’m… gone.
Erika Sun 